公公

Dear Grandpa,

Hello. How are you?

I'm writing you this letter despite me knowing that everything is too late.

I'm really sorry... I should have treated you much much better and spent more time with you. I should have been more patient. I should have been more kind. I should be more...

Maybe.. just maybe if I spent more time with you, I could use those time to introduce Jesus into your life. I could see you in heaven again the next time. I'm really sorry.

Grandpa, I thought about the past. How we spent time when I was very young. I thought old folks' home is the playground for old people and I actually thought of putting you there. That made your wife laugh in sinister. I remembered singing all the kindy songs for you upon returning home. I remembered that safe you gave me and big sis. The one where music plays upon slotting in the coins. I got 1 and my sis got another one. It was the elephant dressed up in black band suits from BSN. I clearly remembered that Then it got smashed by the maid (to take care of my mom upon birth of my lil bro)  trying to steal all the coins. Sad case.

Then I remembered us spending time as I grew older. Like years back. We used to go for lunch with mom and the rest of the siblings. I know you loved your grandchildren. I also know that due to this, you were disowned by your own children and kicked out of your house due to your wife's jealousy.

I'm sorry that you thought we never "picked" your side. I'm sorry to think that you were attention seeking. I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you.

Looking at your smart phone upon your demise really saddens me, I really wanted to cry then. It turned out that you were really clueless when it comes to fixing your alarm. Why didn't you ask me?

I know i wasn't so close to you. I should have heed the inner voice that spoke to me that I should spend time with you 2 days prior to your passing. You know what I did? I shook it off.

God knows how long it has been since we have last spoke.

I really miss you, and I'm sorry. I really am.

Now it's too late.

Dear mom

Mama did you know
How I have spent less time with you?
Perhaps all I wanted was for you to see how
Successful I am in life.
I feel like a failure. I cannot face you..
I do not want to disappoint you..
Yet it's the exact thing that's going on.

Mama did you know?
I just want to make you proud
I just want you to enjoy life
I want you to be happy, sit back and relax
And it kills me that I cannot give you all that
Not just yet

Mama,
I'm sorry for being the way I am.
I'm sorry that I cannot be successful
I'm sorry that I still feel so lost
I'm sorry that I can't give you a good life

bridges built, bridges burnt.

We all encounter different people every single day. If you're lucky, some bridges will be built.. who knows u may be building bridges to form a beautiful friendship. If you're luckier, well.. you would be building 1 for love. In order to build these bridges, i believe it takes the effort of both parties from each side, and they meet each other in between.

However in life, some bridges burn.. Sucks when that happened. I know.

Well I was finally happy after all the breakup, all the exams.. I was enjoying my life to the max, made a few new friends. Michelle was being an incredible friend and to be honest she has been such a blessing! She is the 1 that I kept hanging out with these days. Thanks to her I get to know a few good people too. Gabriel, Fabian, Christine, Sherena, Christ, Hendry.. All these people are super amazing and very nice to hang out with. So many new friends thanks to her. :)

Im incredibly thankful for her. With most of my friends in KL, it was tough living and facing four walls and your computer screen all the time. I needed to catch a breath. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to stop feeling guilty, to stop feeling that I owe someone something so huge.. I needed to have fun again. I needed a friend to hang out with, a shoulder to cry on, something to make me forget everything. Every piece of this breakup shit. When it hits you, it really hits you in the gut. Behind this smile, laughter, nobody knows the pain that I'm going thru whenever I'm alone. I'd think about us. Think if I made a right choice. Think of everything..

Well it doesn't matter anyways.. it seems like he's doing well too. "fucking hell" that I went to say hi to him and his friends when i was around. I guess I was too buddy buddy with his friends that I need to get used to the cold shoulder they gave. I thought they would be ok with me. I really do. I was wrong. They didn't want anything to do with me. Soo.. yeah. I was the "bitch who broke my ex's heart". Oh well I guess that's life and I just have to live with that, even with old bridges burnt... I built new bridges too in the process so although it hurt to see them treating me this way, i thank you, God, for blessing with me with a few more new, fun buddies. Thank You. I'm grateful. :)

who can understand

I'm praying to God.. I am a backslider.. yet now I'm turning back to Him. This is not a right reason for me to turn to Him.. but still..i need to.. because my mum has developed a cancer in her womb

I feel so grieved and sad, but I remained calm and cool so that my mom knows that I don't give up on the situation. At least someone needs to be positive in order for my mum to think positive too right? If i cry and show my despair in front of her, this is not going to help with her condition. The doctor told us that he needs to perform a surgery, which is to remove the entire womb.

BUT

my dad told her that his colleague's wife did that operation and a month later, she passed away.

Which decision should she take? I don't know which to encourage. If i encourage her to perform the surgery, this might not be good. But if i dont, the cancer may spread somewhere else. Please God, do not take my mom away from me. I'm not ready to lose her. Not yet. God, please. Have mercy on her. She doesn't deserve this. Please hear my cries God.. I beg You.

i need to stay strong in front of my siblings. Mom told me to keep this a secret from them. I have to pretend that i'm ok but inside i'm bleeding. I can only cry silently when all the lights are out and when mom is sleeping. It hurts so bad. It really does.

Plus, my mock exam is just looming around the corner(next week). I have no mood to study at all. All i can think about is my mom. How can i fix this? What should i do? God please do not forsake me at this hour.

what should i do

Two of my besties are transferring to ATC next sem.. I do not want to leave PTPL.. i really do not.. and i want them to stay with me as well.. sigh.. Guess i can't have my cake and eat it too, and i guess.. trouble would not stay away from me. No peace. There are several reasons why i do not like atc

1. the location

hello? that place is packed. Even if i drive i dont know if im able to find parking. aihhh

2. The people

Lets face it. One of the main reasons is because they are there.. I do not need people labelling me as a "bitch" or some other name.. namely "fake", from some misunderstanding 2 years ago. I just want to be loved. I love it in PTPL. I feel belonged.. i feel loved.. mainly because of my classmates. I love Alicia and Ann.. They are my really good friends. I cant bear to leave them. My lecturers are awesome. I love Kevin.. He's my ultimate favourite, despite the constant teasing. lol. I like him even more than Siraj. (not more than a lecturer duh!!) I love Jane.. I really enjoy her class a lot.. I love the college. I love everything about it despite the somewhat old facility.

Monday morning.. before Kevin's class i was bombarded with the information Ann gave me: they confirmed that they both.. wanted to transfer to ATC. I was in a state of shock. I couldn't concentrate. I was trying to hold back my tears. I wanted to cry. Well in the end i did. All i asked was WHY?

The other day.. during sem break i met Alicia in Chilis.. When she told me that she was having thoughts about leaving, i prayed to God.. I told Him, please.. God, please do not take them away from me. Do not take my good friends away from me. Please.

But in the end, He did. Its not decided yet but GOD PLEASE! DON'T. MY FRIENDS ARE LEAVING ME. 1 BY 1. Im so worried that after they went to ATC, their perceptions would change towards me. I'm terrified. Im scared that after they went to ATC, they would listen to rumors and change their perceptions towards me. God, I know i haven't come to You for a long time. I know that I've backslided. I never go to church anymore. But God, do You understand why i did not go?

God, please.. I only ask of You for this. Please.. Grant us some loan so that they wouldn't change their mind. Please.. I beg You!

betrayer?

am i really a betrayer of the family? I chose Christ instead of the family tradition.. to be a buddhist.. i broke my mom's heart.

:(

emo

and next week is my final. I have no mood to study at all.

the Christian thing

It was my mum who allowed me to go to church. It was her, who fetched me to church after massive begging from me. It was her, who covered for me.. the whole story about me going to church, from my dad.

still,

it is her who still can't accept the fact that i'm a Christian

im really upset.

I thought she accepted me for who i am all along.. but there's a part of me that she still cannot accept. And it breaks my heart to say this.

I uphold my family members into Your hands, Lord.. please soften their hearts and lead them to the way to salvation. Let them know who You are, that you are the way, the truth and the life.. that You are God, and You are real. Thank You God.. Thank You.. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

I believe God will hear my prayers.. he knows whats in my heart. I have faith that 1 day, God will lead them to Salvation. 1 day.